miscarriages, missed birthdays, missed down syndrome walks, missed zombie walks, etc

As Murphy's law would have it, I touched typed out an entire blog post from my nexus. Accidents happen with tiny side links and fallible human fingers. Le Sigh. The blog post took over two hours to compose due to the fact that I am mom. :-) Should I try my hand at typing out the little story once again? You all know what that it will not carry the same umph with it this time around. I was originally typing about the many misses these past months. Miscarriages, missed birthdays, missed event walks, etc. As you all know already for the past year I have acquired a great super power. More like a latent super power that I used to use up when I was single. It was so much easier then to recoup from my 72 hours of no sleep stints. (quite like Iron Man from my understanding.) Yep, I could do those stints all natural. I am a straight edger after all. My vice...honestly...do you REALLY want to know my vice??? It's cake! (Cake or Death). Yes I am going to get that tattooed upon my body eventually, so to remind myself to skip the cake. You see I am prone to diabeetus! My super power though, being able to micromanage my ginormous family on only two hours of sleep. Now, on to the original heading of this post, the misses this past month. The BIG Miss....the failure of my hormones to sustain human life form...the one gift that the Creator gave WOMbMEN. Do you know by the way the etymology of the word 'men'. If not, I suggest that you look it up. As I was saying, with my hormones being completely screwed and out of whack right now....I have fallen weak and succumbed to the desires of regular carrot cake. Yes, that's right, you did hear me correctly. I have eaten LOADS of regular gluten, bad for me, bad ingredients carrot cake!!! Mini break, Odin just brought me two diapers. He's so smart. He and Leif needed diaper changes. Diaper changes with twins is always a bit of a thriller. While changing one the other always with out fail reaches out or walks over to the dirty diaper and tries to help mom with carrying it to the pail or trash bin. So here I am trying to accomplish a tad bit of writing at 9:09p.m. when I should instead be working out and getting this FAT off of my ass, which I started to gain in August. Insert angry pout face here. Well, I can't do that anyhow because Matty is being awesome and priming our mail box, getting it ready for painting. I prefer him inside when I'm working out, so he can keep an eye on the kiddos. Earlier today I really did try though...to work out....no...to write this, it was quite ridiculous for me to think that I could even attempt to type more than just a few sentences within only mere minutes. That was laughable. In a house full of little people, who need your assistance, you're lucky if you get maybe ...MAYBE an hour to yourself a day. Today went a little like this: 'Elish please continue and finish working on your Language Arts proper noun assignment' - FOR OVER FOUR HOURS was this phrase repeated. 'Yaddo stop fighting with your brother over your Spider-Man back pack, he just wants to be like you.' Odin STOP hitting Leif over EVERYTHING!' 'STAY OUT F THE TOILET BOTH OF YOU!!!! - speaking to the twins'. 'Autumn, drop the attitude.' 'Willow....you really can't do a simple chore today? okay I'm too tired to argue, it's Saturday enjoy your anime.' 'Yaddo, please stop crying, dad WILL come back from the store, zombies won't get him.' etc, etc etc... Hence the time in the p.m. now. ;) My weekends only recently have become my catch up on sleep days. My sleep prior to birthing the boys was still little. It consisted of being woken at every little noise (as it is still like that now.) Also, since becoming mom I have been woken through the night for a plethora of reasons. 'Mom I need a drink', 'Mom can I have a midnight snack', 'Mom I had a bad dream', 'Mom I heard a noise', 'Mom I'm sick', 'Mom I peed my bed.' 'Mom I forgot to tell you this earlier today', 'Mom I can't sleep', etc. This does not cover the snoring, the dogs barking, the tossing and shifting of husbands in bed, the house creaking, babies nursing, babies waking crying through the years. So on average, before the boys arrived to planet Earth, I was averaging about four to five hours of broken sleep. See, I SHOULD have just stuck to my guns and went with the green light go in the Army. Perfect candidate for soldier lack of sleep training. I'm sure you all remember my story of wanting to join the army out of a broken heart back in 1997. Yep, I wanted to jump out of planes, wear the beret...Don't panic though...I know you are all thinking 'someone with cerebral palsy trying to protect us in war zone'. As the military would have it, I would have been an intelligence radio operator. On the field maybe... more like I would be in a room with a long hallway coding as a Marine stood guard with the ready to snipe me if under attack. So that's what the 'Army' explained to me. Good times right. ;) Wowzers, can we say..long winded tangent? Yep. Well, as I am typing this, I am also nursing Leif. (October 9th is Leif Eiriksson Day btw.) Which brings me back to the BIG missed one. All of my studious research payed off. I went into my OBGYN with notes, outline, and a write up in regards to my hypothesis on what had happened to my body. She read through it all. Why was I there, she wanted to know. LOL. She appreciates the fact that I'm quite resourceful and careful about what I chose to take in as true in regards to finding info in our WEB. Matty and I have been given pretty much an ultimatum. Stop nursing now and within six weeks return to full fertility. (Currently I am experiencing Amenorrhea. Hence why all of the research and confusion for me when receiving the super bright positive pregnancy test a while back.) The loss pisses me off. The hormone disruption pisses me off. My lack of discipline towards carrot cake, pumpkin donuts, and brownies pisses me off. Did you know that when women are in the luteal phase that the code within the brain for enabling willpower is disrupted by hormones hence forth setting up faulty code in our wiring/neurons for addictive behavior. Think about that for a minute. It makes complete sense in the nature of things. Nature wants us to be compulsive and procreate. Where was I? Right...if we do not choose the path of weening and going back to full fledged nursing, then I will more than likely continue to carry life anywhere from five to ten weeks and then miscarry, IF we have relations during my ovulatory phase that is. To understand this, you must understand women, aging, hormones, tandem nursing, etc. Simple terms, the body produces food for the EXISTING baby/babies. The BODY/HUMAN/ORGANIC COMPUTER knows that when woman's body is aging, body will in it's last defense operate in a life preserving manner. Body wants it's DNA/Genes, etc to carry on infinitely, so it will Super ovulate, while at the same time it will also destroy any being that is considered foreign as body is doing it's coded job and progressively 'FEEDING' the already alive offspring. Because as organic decaying matter that we are, our hormones and enzymes are NOT infinite, they ARE finite. Hence WHY body strives to CREATE Sentient LIFE and keep the DNA and GENES going. Body/brain/human organic computer is smart. It understands that the only way to achieve immortality while on this planet is to Co CREATE and Pro Create. Well, when womBmen's hormones are no longer plentiful, no longer strong....not enough, there becomes imbalance. This imbalance is important as it signals that half of our mortal life is essentially over. It is but a warning signal. The body will not allow for defective beings to be created. The body being smart fights this with all of it's hormonal power. Lack of certain hormones would mean lack of proper gestational development. We are the only animal that protects our weak. Interesting. Now, being of advanced maternal age and breastfeeding, the hormones are fighting against each other. On one hand they want to over due it and create a multitude of beings before the ovaries shrivel. Yet they KNOW deep down that their number one priority is to keep the already existing life alive at all costs. Do you understand now? So, the question then becomes, keep nursing, and that is it. As I will nurse until they are around three years old. Or...orrrrr, stop nursing now? So many things to consider. I have always wanted nine children. There's the Earth, and when I use that term...I mean .... empathetically...the EARTH herself. WOW.... so much to consider...look what humans have done to her. Then there is, the thought...that what if....what if one of your children that you create changes the world for the better. Who, I ask you, what parent does not dream that big? Then there is adoption. DO you know how often I lay awake at night thinking about the babies in China who are dumped off, the babies in war torn countries, the babies who's parents are starving in countries with no crop, etc...I could adopt. We could adpot. My brother was adopted for goodness sake. I always felt that he he was my BLOOD BROTHER. Always. Soooo.... there is that BIG Miss this past month or so. Then there are the misses, of conference calls that I had to catch up on with E school teachers, the downs syndrome buddy walk, and zombie walk that I missed. These misses are because I require much needed missed sleep. My weekends are sleep catch up days. They did not used to be. Initially when we first brought the boys home from the hospital, I needed to catch up on household chores on the weekends, due to schooling on the weekdays. Eventually as I added work out trainings which include heavy weight lifting sessions, my body says...whoa there wombmen!!!! YOU NEED rest or you will not make it. You NEED rest or you will become ill. My other brother (A nurse) verified that for me. He told me that I need to stop being the go super mom and SLEEP when I can. For me that means, I get my eight hours (if I'm lucky) on Saturday's and Sundays. After those misses, I have also missed my own birthday. Why? Because I chose to sleep. My birthday was officially LAST Sunday. Though we JUST celebrated this Friday after 6:pm by going out for Chinese. Which equals more gluten. Yep, I am doing great there. So is my ass. I was so happy with my weight loss. Ah well, I can do it again. It shouldn't take to long. Though wow, what you're body goes through hormonally wen trying to still normalize from giving birth to twins a year ago, then becoming pregnant, then losing pregnancy.... talk about emotions, body pains, the pain..the literal pain blew me away, the hormonal fluctuations...it was maddening. Not to mention the puffy weight. Le sigh. Those are my misses. If somehow we or I have missed out on anything you, my friends and family may have wanted me or us around for, I do apologize. Please understand that I love you all. I'm just dedicating my sanity to my family for the time being. :) They deserve that. :D Oh btw- no spell check or re reading...posting as is. Love you all, and hope to see you all in the near future. ;)