Since the day I found out about Kristin I have been wondering. Just wondering quite a bit. Thinking about her. Remembering our times together. It doesn't matter where I am, I could be in the bathroom. Taking a shower, playing with Autumn Rain and Willow, I could be in the middle of fixing something for dinner or lunch, it just doesn't matter what I'm doing, my thoughts are constantly pulled to be with Kristin. I'm trying to get myself over the fact that I want to touch her, hold her, smell her essence. She was like a big sister to me. I can't expect anyone to understand. I can still hear her voice. I can remember all of her crushes and boys that she was with. I remember the way she smiled at the thoughts of being in love. I remember the way her eyes looked when I know something had hurt her, yet she wouldn't allow it to be known that it hurt. She was brave. I remember sneaking out with her to go see a movie that I wasn't allowed to see. Hehehehehe, that was so fun, oh but it was a scary movie. Eek, that movie still scares me. I remember when she pierced her nose and my neighbors dad didn't like it. I felt bad for Kristin that someone would just flatly come out and say what they thought of it. Yet Kristin, hahahahah, she was not affected. Hehehehe, again I say she was so strong.
Kristin was the one who introduced me to Siouxsie and The Banshees. I will never forget that night. It was a Halloween night. We were in her apartment and the lights were out. The front door was open for trick or treaters. You know, it was just the mood, the atmosphere, the chilly autumn night. The smell of crispy Leaves and pumpkins in the air. Ahhh what a good night to be introduced to Siouxsie and the Banshees. Thanks Kristin! :P
The last time I saw Kristin in person was on one of my trips back from Arizona, where I was living at the time. She had a little green car that could barely make it to 25 miles per hour. None the less we got in her little green car and went out. Hehehehe, it was fun.
I miss her. I have missed her. A few months ago I started searching for her on the net. I tried so hard. Someone had told me she married though, so I thought I would never find her as I didn't know any other last name for her other than Alltop. If only I would have found her.
I have Kristin's pictures up now, next to Tom Kula's. I asked him if he was with her. Of course I asked in my mind. Not knowing what kind of sign I may receive.
Today, I woke up to the fact that someone stole my shoes. Yes I left them outside the front door. I was bitching and upset. My friend Tracy was trying to tell me to calm down because of the new little baby forming inside of me. Yet still I was angry. I was thinking to myself that I needed those shoes to keep my feet comfy through the 9 months. Still bitter, when a message came to my live journal titled Kristin MaryAnn Alltop. I went to read the message. While both my husband and Tracy said. "see, Kristin is telling you to calm down. She doesn't want you to be worked up when your pregnant." Mysterious ways they say. Well, it worked. I'm calm now. :P After all they are just shoes, what are shoes compared to a life?!
This is the live journal response that has left me with a bit of peace:
Hi there! I am not sure who this is, but I stumbled across your entry while looking for Kristins obit. You see I too, met Kristin as a child so we may know eachother. I was five years old and we remained friends up until her death on Saturday. I'm assuming we are speaking of the same Kristin Alltop given the birthday,date of death and mommy dearest. Please know that it was not suicide, but cancer that took her away from us. She had been battling it for years now and finally found peace on Saturday. She was surrounded by friends and family and completely in charge of everything as she always was. Her funeral was very difficult but knowing that she is in a better peaceful place should be as comforting to you as it is me. You were right in saying that she was a strong girl. She always took care of people and even in her weakest days, she prepared candles for everyone to take at her funeral. Kristin would have never given up on life, which made her even more remarkable given her childhood that I too witnessed first hand. I hope you find comfort in my posting and just know that she is everything you believed her to be and her last days were her knowing she was going to a peaceful place. Take care and everytime you see the color purple, think of her and remember her spirit. Purple was her favorite color.
Thank you so much for writing to me. I love Kristin so much. It is better to know for sure how she passed. I wish I could have been there. I would have loved to just touch her fingers, and smile into her eyes. I remember what it felt like to lay beside her. Little girls through adult hood, we were always cuddling or playing with one another's hair. I went through my pictures the other day and picked out the ones I have left of her, placed them up in my apartment for my daughters to see. I was searching for a specific one that she gave to me when we were in highschool. It was a picture of the first time I met her. She must have been 5 years old maybe 6 years old and she was wearing a sequin type dancer outfit with a sequined top hat and magicians wand, cute little tap shoes. I cried when I couldn't find the picture. It always meant so much to me.
The day that I found out she died, I promised her that whenever I had another daughter I would name her after Kristin. When I said it I spoke it outloud. I was in my heart trying to speak directly to Kristin's Spirit through my sobbing. Would you not believe this, but on a whim something told me to take a pregnancy test that night. I did, I am pregnant. I am naming the child after Kristin whether it be a boy or a girl. Kristenson is good for a boy I would think. I have gone through so many emotions since learning of Kristin's passing. I just can't stop saying how much I live her. I want to be able to hold her hands and look into her eyes again. I want to see her smile.
I could go on and on but I think that perhaps I should make a correction post. Thank you so much for telling me what really happened. I want her to know that had I only had her number instead of losing her information through all my moves, I would have been there. I would have taken a plane, a bus, a train. I would have been there with her.