07/400/I just read my husbands post at fated to end sometime.
I have a huge headache,I have had it since waking today,
so please bare with my writing here.
My husband seems to just now in his life as Matthew Von Stetina,come to the beginning of the understanding of his negativity.
This, has been something I have known about him since day one. Something that I have tried to be careful about approaching him with,
As I know my husband, and things like this are not easy to approach him with. He will become instantly defensive and more negative to boot.
So, For many years I have kept my mouth shut. In doing this, it has only caused me much pain. I have in turn, myself gone from a very positively charged person to a depressed one. Living with someone that you love dearly who has depression, after a while, will end up getting you, the positive one, to become almost the same way.
This is the thing though. All my life, I have noted and observed people. I have watched and understood the simple yet complex nature of human behavior. This had always caused me to be happy and grateful for who I was and the heart that I had within. I understood from the beginning that if you spoke with negative intent it would breed negativity. If you moved with negative intent it would also breed negativity.
As a child I would test people. I remember this quite clearly. Before I even knew how to speak the English language I would think it. I had an adult thought process in my mind that spoke. It sounded just as my own voice sounds today as an adult. I knew very well what the adults in the room would be talking about as I lay there in a babies body. I would listen to their conversations, watch their body language, listen to their tone.
So much of it is in TONE.
I find that many, if not most of the 'civilized' people in this world tune it all out. They are so good at ignoring EVERYTHING. Tuning out tone. These people I feel are so lost. It reminds me of that saying, "forgive them for they know not what they do." As I have never been one to tune out the tone, I don't quite grasp how they can survive, or how they have survived thus far.
Although, as I sit here in recounting my past and visualizing the people that I have been involved with, most of them have been negative. My father once said to me, after observing my path, my lifestyle, he said, "Brigitte, you can not take the world upon your shoulders all by yourself, and you can not help everyone." At the time I did not understand this statement. I was young, I believed that I could help everyone, if only they just followed their heart. That was the key.
To me, that was the key.
I tried so hard for so long, to show those that I loved, that it was all within what you allowed yourself to be. No one listened to me. My husband,if he did not see this sooner or later, would be the death of me. For him, I would not give up. For him, I would continue to buzz around with hope and love, that he would SEE the way. To follow his heart. To let go of the doom and the gloom. Yet this was the hardest of all cases. As He is my husband and my vows are to him. This is not something to end or to walk away from. In trying so hard to show him my fields of dandelions, my colors of the rainbows....
I was being sucked into his shadowy murk of darkness that was only bred from someone who tried to twist his mind away from the one good light in his life that came from birth.
He would not SEE this yet, for at the end of 29 years illusions would start to unveil. Then he would see that this muck he has covered himself in does not have to be. Hopefully I too will be cleansed from the shadows that he bestowed upon me during my battle of love for his soul.
He is only at the beginning of a very very long road.
And for so long as I have been silenced, no more need I be.
For every letter there is a tone. Every letter that is a tone connects to an outer and inner part of your body. These parts of your body that connect to the letters and tones also connect to elements. These elements that connect to your body that connect to the tone that connect to the letters, also connect to numbers. These numbers that connect to the letters that connect to the elements, that connect to the body that connect to the tone, also connect to Cosmos, connect to zEarth, connect to the stars, connect to the planets....Etc.
I have known this always.
How is it that you should show someone these things if they are not ready to understand them?
For so many years I have tried to show my husband. For so long, he has portrayed himself in negative ways.
What one must do is treat another how it is they long to be treated. It has been said before by a good man. Yet it seems that very few were listening.
When my husband comes home from work I would want to run to him with open arms. Embracing him as if he were gone from us for years. Yet he was only gone for a few hours giving a tour. Still, I wanted to squeeze him with my arms, and swallow him up with my love. He did not understand this form of affection, so I learned to stifle it, to act casual when he comes home and walks through the door. Do you have any idea what that does to a spirit free and full of love?
I used to ask my husband to take me for walks in the evening, to get out and see the sky, to smell the trees, to watch the birds. Yet he wanted to watch re-runs of Buffy the vampire slayer. I didn't understand. I thought perhaps there must have been something wrong with me, with our baby,if he would rather watch a re-run than share a new experience with us.
I became bitter and sore, hurt and angry, yet still I did not give up. I knew that within him was a creature just like myself. I could feel it. There is no other way to describe it, other then using your senses. Using the TONE that most people had tuned out. I knew that my senses were correct, for the one who spoke to me and told me that he was my husband would not have done so if he was not full of magic, if he was not truly inbetween the worlds.
Through our "time" loop together merging as a ying and yang, snippets of his heart would come to surface, if only for a moment at a time. I knew, as always that I was waiting for him.
For looking inside you see a mirror. You may take a negative note with a positive note. What do you have?
A mixture. Two combining into one harmony.
The muck covered veil is lifting.
The journey continues on.